Weekend Funny Business: Hello boss? I can't come to work today...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices in my head told me to clean all my guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.


Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.


I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

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All Is Fair In Business

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'


The Requirements Of This Job 

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

People are idiots and so am I.

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Handling difficult people:

It should come as no surprise that some people in the world are idiots. They are twisted, uncooperative, cantankerous, distorted, pains in the butt. You know the person I am talking about, we all do. They’re in the work place, in politics and throughout the community.

Idiots in action

Example: Let’s pretend you’ve just arrived into a new community and decide to join a community organization. This group of volunteers is genuinely interested in working on planting gardens, sprucing up rundown areas, and repairing or removing dilapidated buildings. One member, however, opposes every measure and idea anyone suggests. More that that, he constantly attacks the motive of the others. He makes the meeting of the group so unpleasant that attendance begins to decline.

The idiot causes so much trouble that the others band together to kick his sorry buttocks out of the group.

Question: Do you join the others in outing the idiot?

The making of an idiot!

Sigmund Freud (Yes, the sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, guy) thinks that unless a person has been shown and practices love, it sickens and dies. Love includes understanding, goodwill, and respect for others. The more love and goodwill you emanate and exude, the more comes back to you.

He must have never worked with an idiot, but then again what if he’s right? Nay, let’s kick the pain in the neck out and humiliate him even more then he has been other times in his life!

Or maybe……

The practice of empathy in human relationships:

Instead of beating the crap out of him, we bite our lip; prepare our mind before the next meeting. Think about the underlying pain in this guy’s life, surround him with positive thoughts and try our best to compliment and encourage him personally as well as publicly.

I’ll be damned, it worked!

Sure it takes some time. Results don’t happen overnight. But in time the guy comes around, starts encouraging others’ ideas (after carefully but politely examining the idea and its short comings) and becomes actively involved in creating tangible results! OH MY!

The whole idea about writing about idiot comes from my self-examination of the people I associate with and how lucky I am that they’re not idiots.

This city is full of good, respectful, loving folks. Don’t let a few “idiots” get you down.

P.S. Examining and questioning ideas and motives don’t make you and idiot. Using disrespectful comments and disparaging words without proposing a solution does!


Funny Business is a humorous look at some serious issues your business or organizations have to address. http://funnybusinessbystephenjames.blogspot.com/

Your face shows us what your Business is saying!

RIDDLE: “It costs nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

Smile—Everyone Is Watching!

Think back to all the miserable faces you see on the way to school or work each day. Yet, when smiled at, these same people will most often smile in return.

Check out the following facts about smiling:

72% of people think of those who smile frequently as being more confident and successful.

86% of people say that they are more likely to strike up conversations with strangers if they are smiling.

Bosses are 12% more likely to promote people who smile a lot.

Research shows that 65% of communication is non-verbal (many claim an even higher percentage).

The effects of a smile are so powerful that even a smile on the telephone produces positive results.

When someone comes into a room, people are automatically drawn to their face, and a smile provides a warm greeting.

Research shows that when two people in conversation use the same kind of body movements and gestures (such as smiling), they will experience greater empathy for each other, which they may not even consciously notice.

The Value of a Smile: Increased sales!!!

Does the uniform your employees wear include a smile?

We all have walked into a business only to have the person working the counter stare at us with the “What the heck do you want?” look.

It doesn’t make you comfortable and deep inside it makes you just want to get what you came for and get out.

I once moved to a city just because every 7-11 store (I’m a Slurpee junkie) I went into all had sales folks that smiled at me. Really, no kidding! I had been living in Miami and was feeling bad about how everyone there seemed to be so grouchy. The friendly service I found made me believe that everyone in that town was happy. And by god they were (for the most part)!

So what do your employees’ faces say to your customers?

Do you want to make increase sales, add on’s and impulse buys? Do you want customers returning to your business? Do you want the people that come into your business talk to their friends about how nice your place is?

Teach your employees to smile!

TIPS:
Smile at your employees and they’ll smile too.
Teach your employee the importance of the “first impression”.
Have a short training time with your employees about appearance and its effect on customers.

OR

Talk to the folks at Teton Business Solutions about creating a training workshop for your employees.

Teton Business Solutions is in the business of helping your business succeed. Be it hiring, training, payroll, tax consulting and other services that will help your business stay ahead of the competition.

Pop in on the folks at Teton Business Solutions in downtown Flint, Michigan or click here to see their website: Teton Business Solutions.

You’ll be smiling all the way to the bank!

Stephen James Comedy Improv & Human Resource Training Consultant Flint, Michigan.

If you’re looking to re-energize your Sales Force, inspire your Marketing Department or to encourage your Board to think “Out of the Box”, “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe Corporate Team Building” will work together with you in delivering the message you want to give! Team Building will always be a top priority for today's organizations. Building effective teamwork through leading edge corporate and organizational team building programs is one of “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe” (Corporate Team Training) greatest capabilities! And we make it so much FUN! CONTACT US AT: Email: stephenjamescomedy@gmail.com Phone: 810-618-7517 Website: http://sites.google.com/site/thestephenjamescomedytroupe

Funny Business is a humorous look at some serious issues your business or organizations have to address. http://funnybusinessbystephenjames.blogspot.com/

Doing Same ole, Same ole Business as usual.

As Tom Sumner (Flint resident and radio host) so pointedly explains in his story “Would I have the blues?” that there are two kinds of people. Those that think the glass is half full (Positive thinkers) and those that think the glass is half empty (Negative thinkers). He submits that there’s a third group of people, those that say, “Hey can we get some more water in this glass over here?!”

The Positive Thinkers, or the doers, are always doing their best with what they have and the “Negtivos”, are those that complain about what they do have, both have one thing in common, limited resources.

Aren’t “resources” the number one need of any business? Be it tangible resources like products to sell or intangible resources like ideas for a new product to sell. Business is about “resource availability”.

Crap, even a genius like Einstein had limited resources. He might have understood the math but could he host a radio show like Tom Sumner does, or create an advertising campaign like The Spencer Agency can? Could Einstein make a delicious sandwich like Tracy Whipley of the Lunch Studio can make? I don’t think so. (Okay, so maybe Einstein could make a great sandwich, but resource data is limited on the subject!)

That’s why growing a business or keeping a business open is about gathering resources.

What resource is your company missing?

Maybe you need a spoke person for your business, maybe a new advertising campaign to boost sales, maybe new recipes for the menu, maybe someone to do your employee hiring and training.

STOP!

I got the last “maybe” covered! Teton Business Solutions. Yup, these folks can bring both tangible and intangible resources to your business. Need employees, they have the resources. Need staff training, covered. Want to cut tax costs, save time, money and receive consulting on ways to increase or make your business more efficient, they have the resources to do this!

Teton Business Solutions, experienced, creative, cutting edge resource that can CARRY THE WATER AND FILL THE GLASS for your business!

See more at Teton Business Solution.

Stop doing business the “same ole, same ole” way!

Stephen James Comedy Improv & Human Resource Training Consultant Flint, Michigan.

If you’re looking to re-energize your Sales Force, inspire your Marketing Department or to encourage your Board to think “Out of the Box”, “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe Corporate Team Building” will work together with you in delivering the message you want to give! Team Building will always be a top priority for today's organizations. Building effective teamwork through leading edge corporate and organizational team building programs is one of “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe” (Corporate Team Training) greatest capabilities! And we make it so much FUN! CONTACT US AT:

email: stephenjamescomedy@gmail.com Phone: 810-618-7517 Website: http://sites.google.com/site/thestephenjamescomedytroupe






Funny Business is a humorous look at some serious issues your business or organizations have to address. http://funnybusinessbystephenjames.blogspot.com

Running a Business Can KILL You!

You need a vacation when….

1) You find yourself thinking of reasons why you need a vacation.
2) You start thinking of early death from job stress as a comfort.
3) You start hallucinating tropical fish in the company water cooler.

Norman Vincent Peale tells the story of a man that told his physician that work was feeling like a wave covering over and drowning him. He said that every night he fills his briefcase full of work to do at home. When the physician asked “Why” the man replied “I have to get it done.” He fumed, “I am the only one who can do it!” “Everything depends upon me!”

“If I write you a prescription, will you follow it?” Asked the doctor.

Thinking it was some kind of medication the man said “Yes.”

The doctor wrote out these words on a piece of paper. “Take one hour a day off to go for a walk. Take one day off a week and use half the day in a cemetery.”

Astonished the patient demanded, “Why should I spend a half day in a cemetery?”

“Because” answered the doctor, “I want you to wonder around and look at the gravestones of men who are there permanently. Meditate on the fact that many of them are there because they thought like you do, that the world rested on their shoulders. Sit there and think about how the world will go on without you just as it’s done without them.

Wooow! Pretty sobering thought, hu!

Maybe you can relate to this business man. Running a business can KILL you! Overworked, under-appreciated, no time for yourself or family. STOP! Get help!

There’s lots of ways to cut your work load: You can delegate the work load. But then again you might not have staff talented or experienced enough to do what’s needed.

You could spend lots of time and money hiring new in-house people to do the paperwork, the hiring, firing, training, taxes, looking for ways to cut business costs, finding tax incentives for your business.

Or you could find safe, affordable, experience outsourcing business consultants that do more then talk!

I recommend Teton Business Solutions of Flint, Michigan.

Teton Business Solutions, a full service consulting agency providing HR solutions including recruiting, screening, employee leasing, contract employees, temps, and engineering studies designed to help companies reduce or eliminate federal income tax liabilities.

Teton assists in HR management at companies from just a few employees to those with hundreds overseeing the placement, payroll, training, and management of nearly 1,000 individuals annually.

Additionally Teton Business Solutions provides tax liability and risk management consulting solutions to scores of industry leading companies in Michigan and around the country.

Engaging Teton Business Solutions’ and its team will not only give you a competitive advantage through their HR and risk management solutions, but will put a solid and proven innovator and business engineer in your corner helping you design strategies that will help your company last and outlast economic trends and difficult business environments.

Call or click here to see their website: Teton Business Solutions. See what they can do for you!

It’s time you got a vacation!

Stephen James Comedy Improv & Human Resource Training Consultant Flint, Michigan.

If you’re looking to re-energize your Sales Force, inspire your Marketing Department or to encourage your Board to think “Out of the Box”, “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe Corporate Team Building” will work together with you in delivering the message you want to give! Team Building will always be a top priority for today's organizations. Building effective teamwork through leading edge corporate and organizational team building programs is one of “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe” (Corporate Team Training) greatest capabilities! And we make it so much FUN! CONTACT US AT: Email: stephenjamescomedy@gmail.com Phone: 810-618-7517 Website: http://sites.google.com/site/thestephenjamescomedytroupe

Funny Business is a humorous look at some serious issues your business or organizations have to address. http://funnybusinessbystephenjames.blogspot.com

3 amigos plus 2!

In my hometown of Flint, Michigan things are tough. The economy is in the crapper but then again, it’s tough all over. That’s why you need to read this.

We have to find new ways to cut cost and still increase production and brand exposure. That’s why I and a group of like minded individuals and companies have joined together in creating an ALLIANCE!

An alliance is more than just networking and falls short of starting a new company together.

One of my alliances is with a group of events promoters. We’ve come together to help cut costs of advertising and promotions. By doing this we have tripled our buying power and quadrupled (okay, so what’s the word you use when 5 people are involved?) our promotion strength. Each of our Alliance members’ concentrates on just one aspect of promotion thereby, letting each of us do a fantastic job on one task and when it “comes together” WOW! We got this!

I have done the same with a group out of Flint Michigan, Teton Business Solutions. They’re a HR outsourcing company, working with others doing their hiring, payroll, training and a whole lot more. But these people have the “ALLIANCE” mentality!

For them its not just about having a new company on their roster, it’s about having a new friend to help succeed! I mean it’s crazy that in this day and age that they really, really want to help me and my businesses grow! I’m not just a number; I’m part of their ALLIANCE!

Look, I could spend hours and hours working HR and doing payroll and doing training and etc and etc. Plus spend all the hours learning how best to control my HR overhead and figuring out taxes and how to best prepare my forms correctly or I can just find me a new friend that I can align with that has all the information and expertise I need to run my HR department!

It just makes good sense (Dollars and Cents) to do it!

I endorse Teton Business Solutions for your companies HR needs, no matter what size it is, two employees to two thousand, these people are the ones to align with!

Make a great decision today! Call, write, email or click on this link; Teton Business Solutions, I guarantee you’ll be forever grateful to me.

Till later, remember; We’re all in this together! Are you in Alliance?

Stephen James Comedy Improv & Human Resource Training Consultant Flint, Michigan

If you’re looking to re-energize your Sales Force, inspire your Marketing Department or to encourage your Board to think “Out of the Box”, “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe Corporate Team Building” will work together with you in delivering the message you want to give! Team Building will always be a top priority for today's organizations. Building effective teamwork through leading edge corporate and organizational team building programs is one of “The Stephen James Comedy Troupe” (Corporate Team Training) greatest capabilities! And we make it so much FUN! CONTACT US AT: Email: stephenjamescomedy@gmail.com Phone: 810-618-7517 Website: http://sites.google.com/site/thestephenjamescomedytroupe

Funny Business is a humorous look at some serious issues your business or organizations have to address. http://funnybusinessbystephenjames.blogspot.com/

When is “Human Sacrifices” good for business?

As archeologists learn more and more about the Droid culture in ancient England, they discovered that after a battle the warriors would pile the bones of their enemy into giant piles near the boarders of their territories as a sign warning any other invading troops that not only will we kill you; we will desecrate your bones.

You might be thinking; what does this information have to do with my own business practices?

Check out this idea. Once you have gone through the process of releasing or firing an employee make sure you use it as a positive/negative symbol for your other employees.

Stop the gossip mongering by having a team meeting discussing how you had to let that person go and the reasons why. This will comfort the paranoid employees; wake up the borderline employees and shut- up the story telling employees.

No employer likes firing or disciplining an employee, unless of course you’re into ancient Droid culture. So maybe you should consider bringing on an outside vendor as a solution for your HR needs.

Wouldn’t it be nice to never have to fire and employee? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone constantly watching over, guiding and training your employees along the best path to success?

There’s a company out of Flint, Michigan that does just that, Teton Business Solutions. Not only can they completely take over all your HR needs like payroll, hiring, disciplining, firing and handling employee training, but can also create a two tier class of labor for your company, whereby your company can lower benefit costs and structure costs to meet production and short term needs.

Companies like Teton Business Solutions can create a hybrid solution to your HR needs. You can transfer all your existing employees on your payroll or farm out your HR needs for a seasonal or short term project.

You need to consider the idea of outsourcing your HR department. You can lower your costs, lower management work load and relax knowing that you have someone else worrying about how to most efficiently deal with your employees need.

Beats the heck out of piling bodies outside your door, so don’t deal with your HR problems like a Droid, partner with Teton Business Solutions and let them gently handle your personnel needs.

Teton Business Solutions has an experienced team with over 35 years of experience in business. Our goal is to set precedence in the Business consulting Industry by leading the pack with a wide range of products tailored to fit each business owner’s company model.

Remember: We’re all in this together!